Idiot
by Lockeheart
Summary: The mask one wears can be hard to shed, but sometimes a comforting hand is all you need to try. We have all done or said something we haven't meant, so why should that change in life after death? A oneshot?


Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei belongs to Matsushita Youko. I don't own it and make no claim to.  
  
I don't know if it was because of all the depression and tension within my other work in progress that gave birth to this little piece of fluff, but I am glad that it did. Maybe I am feeling a little sorry for the crap I have been placing Tsuzuki and Hisoka in, who knows? I hope this will tide people over until the next chapter of my monster goes up, which should be in a day or so.  
  
So on with the show!  
  
Idiot  
  
By Lockeheart  
  
********************  
  
Idiot.  
  
That was what Hisoka was, an idiot. Hisoka leaned against the cherry tree and stared up at the swirling pink petals. Why did he snap at Tsuzuki like that? Never in his entire life did he ever lose control like that. He had been pretty much shouting at Tsuzuki, and not in the irritated way he usually did. It was bad enough that he had chewed Tsuzuki out, but it had started over a simple case. Tsuzuki had voiced concern over Hisoka's ability to keep up, and Hisoka had just exploded. He knew that Tsuzuki had meant well, that he only voiced his concern because it was that, Tsuzuki was concerned for Hisoka. But it was that protective attitude that drove Hisoka up the wall in frustration. He could still see Tsuzuki's shocked expression as Hisoka tore a hole into Tsuzuki's hide. Hisoka sighed and slowly dropped to the ground, his back resting against the tree trunk.  
  
He could feel his head pounding, a dull ache against his weary senses. Everything was just so . . . confusing. Tsuzuki was just being Tsuzuki. Whether or not Hisoka had been bothered by Tsuzuki's worry, there was probably a better way than the way Hisoka had chosen to voice his opinion. The man should focus on himself, rather than worry over his partner. Hisoka grimaced as he held out a hand to look at the pale limb. His hands were slender, as was his entire body. He would never gain strength, at least not physically. Trapped forever in the body of a youth . . . Hisoka laid his hand palm up and let the falling petals rest upon it. Tsuzuki had every right to voice his concern, but Hisoka should have been more grown up about his response.  
  
Hisoka drew his knees up close to his body and wrapped his arms tight around his knees. Everyone in the office must think he was crazy or something. What he had just done was against everything Hisoka was. He was very much a person who strived to be acknowledged as an adult, not as the child his body presented. He was the rational, cool, calm one. He read other peoples emotions; he wasn't supposed to be emotional himself . . .  
  
The pale pink petals stole Hisoka's attention. They drifted aimlessly, beautiful in their descent. Idiot . . . Hisoka closed his eyes and sighed. He stretched out from his curled position and lay down upon the grass. From this position Hisoka could see the blue sky and the swirling petals without effort. The day was pretty much ruined. The rumor mill in the division was notorious, and Hisoka was sure that by the time lunch came, everyone would know about Hisoka's little outburst. Tatsumi and everyone else would be getting on Hisoka's back trying to make sure he was okay, when the last thing he wanted was swarms of people being concerned about him. He was just tired. He messed up, end of story. Hisoka eyed the compound and shook his head. He would also have to talk to Tsuzuki, and try to patch things up.  
  
He closed his eyes and puffed out a breath of air that ruffled his bangs. It was warm, out there beneath the forever drifting petals and Hisoka took what heat he could from the sun. Tsuzuki would forgive Hisoka, he always did, at least where Hisoka was concerned. It was a trait that Hisoka both admired and detested at the same time. It took great strength to forgive someone and truly mean it, and when Tsuzuki forgave, he did mean it. Hisoka sighed and rolled over onto his side, his bangs falling across his forehead to brush the ground.  
  
But did he truly deserve Tsuzuki's forgiveness? Hisoka frowned and watched the drifting petals before him. He was always cold to Tsuzuki, always pushing the man away and brushing aside Tsuzuki's attempts to get Hisoka to 'loosen up'. It was hard to let go of certain habits, even when they weren't needed anymore. Hisoka stretched his pinned arm out to lie across the soft grass and let his other arm drape across his hip.  
  
They were skills that he developed to protect himself, but those same skills that had served him before were now just getting him into trouble. There had never been anyone but himself to worry over before, but Hisoka didn't have that luxury anymore. Somehow he had come to call those within the Shokan division his friends, and perhaps his family. It was a revelation that had slowly crept upon Hisoka, but nonetheless shook him to his core. The defenses he had built still protected him, but also separated Hisoka from the very people he had grown to care for.  
  
Hisoka sighed blew at the swath of bangs that fell across his 'lower' eye. He had reacted instinctively to Tsuzuki's concern, pulling away and belittling the man in attempt to cover up a weakness. It was a childish response, but even as Hisoka thought about it, it was a defense encouraged when Hisoka WAS a child. He didn't need those defenses anymore and the people he worked with were not the enemy.  
  
So why was it so hard to let go of the masks? Hisoka squeezed his eyes shut and pulled his legs up so that he was almost curled up upon his side, his arm still outstretched upon the grass. The tree behind him rustled softly in the slight wind, and Hisoka watched as the cherry petals danced in the sudden breeze. He lay that way for a long time, his eyes shut, and his thoughts adrift, so it was a shock when sudden warmth enveloped his outstretched hand.  
  
Hisoka's eyes fluttered open and he found himself face to face with Tsuzuki. The violet-eyed man lay upon the grass just as Hisoka was, his arm outstretched to grasp Hisoka's own. A blush stole to Hisoka's face as he looked at his partner who smiled back softly to him. It was rare that anyone was able to surprise Hisoka like that, but it was different with Tsuzuki. Tsuzuki's emotions were not something alien or painful to Hisoka, and somehow they had become just like ordinary background 'noise' to Hisoka. Even as Hisoka stared at his partner, he didn't pull his hand out of Tsuzuki's gentle hold.  
  
"Are you still angry?" A sadness lay within Tsuzuki's eyes, and Hisoka mentally kicked himself again as he remembered he was the reason why Tsuzuki felt bad. It was silly, Hisoka was the one who had gotten angry, but somehow it was Tsuzuki who felt responsible.  
  
Hisoka fought to force his blush away and he instead focused on the falling cherry petals that landed just above Tsuzuki's head. "No." He had stopped being angry the moment he had yelled at Tsuzuki. But it was too hard to try to explain what Hisoka felt to Tsuzuki, so instead he had fled, fled to the solitude that had served Hisoka so well before. Hisoka followed the line of his arm with his eyes and to his hand that lay encircled by Tsuzuki's own.  
  
Tsuzuki's smile got a little wider and Hisoka could feel Tsuzuki's hand gently squeeze Hisoka's own. "I'm glad." Those words were like a balm to Hisoka's guilt and his face lost the tense, scared look it had held before.  
  
"I'm sorry." Hisoka spoke the word softly, his heart truly meaning them, but his pride unable to let the words escape without difficulty. "Will you forgive me?"  
  
"No."  
  
The warmth Hisoka had first felt fled into the sudden darkness the surrounded his heart and Hisoka looked into Tsuzuki's eyes and could see the resolution in the man's eyes. He had pushed Tsuzuki too hard, he had gone too far. "I understand." Hisoka spoke the words automatically, trying desperately to keep the hurt that he felt away from his face. Hisoka tensed up again and just blinked at Tsuzuki's simple but heartbreaking answer.  
  
He needed to get up, to get away. It was childish, and it was a part of the skills from a childhood that had demanded them, but Hisoka didn't care. They had kept his heart whole and they had served him well enough. Coming to the Shokan division had been too much too fast, and Hisoka was a fool to believe that the skills he had acquired would not be necessary. He was an idiot to continually push Tsuzuki away but still believe that Tsuzuki would remain at his side. No one in their right mind would willingly take that kind of abuse, so why did Hisoka expect Tsuzuki to? He tried to pull his hand out of Tsuzuki's hold, but found it gently pinned within Tsuzuki's own.  
  
"No I don't think you do." Tsuzuki's voice was low and warm, and Hisoka stilled in his motions. "Understand I mean." Tsuzuki frowned for a moment and then smiled once again, and to Hisoka it was like a ray of sunshine in the middle of a storm. Tsuzuki's smiles were like that. "The reason I can't forgive you, is because there is nothing you need to be forgiven for." Hisoka looked into Tsuzuki's wide violet eyes, and he saw the truth in them. The eyes were a window onto the soul, and Tsuzuki's soul was beautiful. "I'm the one who should be asking for forgiveness. I should have never questioned your ability Hisoka. We're partners, and I trust you with my life." Tsuzuki squeezed Hisoka's hand gently and Hisoka found himself speechless at the sudden turn of events. "Will you forgive me Hisoka?"  
  
Hisoka just stared at Tsuzuki, his mind suddenly blank. He was the one who had yelled at Tsuzuki, the one who had embarrassed the man in front of his coworkers. He was the one who pushed Tsuzuki away, when all Tsuzuki had been trying to do was protect him. The silence was a little too long though, because Hisoka could see the light dimming within Tsuzuki's eyes. The man honestly believed that Hisoka would not forgive him. Hisoka felt like laughing but he knew it was inappropriate at the moment. Tsuzuki was dead serious in his request, just as Hisoka had been in his; Tsuzuki deserved an appropriate response.  
  
"Idiot."  
  
Hisoka smiled inwardly as Tsuzuki cringed a little at Hisoka's response. Hisoka felt Tsuzuki try to pull his hand away from Hisoka's own, and Hisoka found himself gently gripping Tsuzuki's hand, willing it to stay. Masks were hard to throw away, but that didn't mean they couldn't crack. Hisoka let the warmth he felt on the inside seep to his face, and he gave Tsuzuki a very faint smile. It was nothing like Tsuzuki's beaming smiles, or Watari's jovial grins, but for Hisoka, it was just as powerful. "You did nothing wrong, you were just yourself." Hisoka squeezed Tsuzuki's hand gently and smiled softly at the shock that played across Tsuzuki's face. "Please . . . continue to be yourself . . . and maybe someday I can be myself too."  
  
Hisoka looked into Tsuzuki's eyes and saw the light that he admired begin to burn once more. Tsuzuki's hand embraced Hisoka's own tenderly and Hisoka could feel a warmth wash over him from Tsuzuki, the emotions soft and comfortable. The wind picked up lightly and delicate pink petals swirled about Tsuzuki and Hisoka in a dance. Hisoka continued to smile his very small smile and was grateful at the warmth that Tsuzuki gave back. Emotions had always been a pain to Hisoka, but this . . . this was different. This was right.  
  
"I guess this means we are both idiots." Tsuzuki's voice was filled with amusement as Hisoka's eyes widened at Tsuzuki's words. Hisoka scooted little forward to lay his arm atop Tsuzuki's own, so that their fingers could entwine ever so gently. He was very close to Tsuzuki now, but not so close as to cross a boundary Hisoka was unwilling to cross at this time. Tsuzuki sighed softly and Hisoka felt his blush reappear upon his face. But this time, it didn't matter; it wasn't something to get upset over. Maybe it was a line he would be willing to cross later, but right now, Hisoka took his journey with caution and care. Tsuzuki would catch him if he fell, he was sure of that.  
  
"I guess we are."  
  
********************  
  
Author's Note:  
  
So what do you think? I tried to make Hisoka not so cold, but not exactly a gushing fountain of emotion either. I hope I managed to at least somewhat portray that. Tsuzuki is a difficult character to capture, but I hope I did an okay job on him. He wasn't the point of view so it wasn't as hard. *gryn*  
  
This is a short little story that was rolling around in my head, but had also remained half completed on my computer for months now. It was supposed to have gone in my Desires story, not quite so fluffed up as this has now become, but Hisoka contemplating his stupidity was the gist of it. So I reworked it, modified things, added so much sugar that even hummingbirds could gag on it and here it is. Blah, blah, blah, it is 11:30 at night, and I have to work early in the morning. So I am just going to post this now.  
  
Please review! Pretty please! This is my first little one shot for Hisoka and Tsuzuki, and I would like to know what people think.  
  
Also, I just have to thank Matsushita for creating such wonderful characters! Humour, darkness, romance - all the fun stuff rolled into one! Thank you! 


End file.
